How do you feel when you hear “No one owes you anything! “
What is your first thought? How do you feel when you hear this phrase? What is your first reaction?
Majority of Misophonia community, unfortunately, believes in the opposite. I use to think that way too. Looking back now I can clearly see how many conflicts have been created with that thinking, with that state of mind. So much pain, unnecessary pain has been created and some of the relationships have been destroyed before I was able to realize that
NO ONE OWES ME ANYTHING.
And by that I mean ANYTHING!
They do not have to stop making that noise.
They do not have to understand what Misophonia is.
They do not have to know how you brain reacts to the trigger noises.
They do not have to put up with your eye bowling/rolling or any other things you do with your eyes when you stare at one who makes a noise that triggers you.
They do not have to tolerate your rude reactions.
They do not have to listen to your angry statements or point of view.
No one has to act or behave the way you want them to behave.
We sure want them to do, be and act differently. We sure want them often to know and understand at the same level we know it. We sure benefit from them being loving and caring, and sensitive to our needs. We sure kindly appreciate everything they do to smooth the situation where trigger can’t be avoided.
The actual question “How do you feel when you hear “No one owes you anything!“ will be the indication on where you stand in your personal growth journey, if you have an open mindset, will show you your development level. This also can help you see your healing level. Your awareness level. You can discover so much about yourself by asking yourself “how do I feel when I hear this phrase”. If you are open to see that.
It is scary to look deep and requires a lot of courage. Only when we are brave enough to allow ourselves to feel the feelings, be scared and still move forward we gain our power back.
Our power is not in denial of the way we feel. Our power is in the awareness. Our power is in acceptance.
Acknowledge what you feel and why. Stay with it for a few minutes. Allow yourself thoroughly experience it. Then hopefully you would want to look deeper and heal it instead of running away again or denying its presence.
In my reality it is still different sometime. In some situations that I did not work through/ passed the lesson/or still in denial I can still catch myself thinking and being so sure that another person has to be different, do something different or act differently. Those situations are my indicators on the areas I need to look deeper. These situations are my lessons that keep coming back. And they will be coming back until I stop denying it and learn from it.
I don’t always like it … Or to be exact I am disgusted with some of them. But I know that this is exactly what I need to see and feel in that moment. Those moments (when I don’t deny or resist them) are my brightest and loudest indicators of the areas where the battle between me and my ego is taking place right now. And I am here to acknowledge it and be brave enough to face it. I want to be the one who was able to brake the cycle, brake the pattern and be the one who was able to overcome it. The one who can feel calm and peaceful hearing “No one owes me anything!”
How about you? Are you able to see the patter of your situations that keep happening to you over and over when you feel that people should have been different or should treat you differently? How do you feel towards them when you hear a phrase “No one owes you anything?”
Does it trigger you? And if yes, how?
Become the person you want others to be. Be an example of the kind of conduct you wish to see in the world. Be kind in your thoughts and in your responses. Do not expect love, excellence or generosity if you do not radiate such things.
People spend life time waiting on another person to change first, to understand first, and to act first.
Notice the urge you most likely have to say “I will respond in much nicer way if he will just stops talking with his mouth full” or “I will not act up if she just stops popping that gum every 30 seconds”
Notice that strong feeling of wanting another person to initiate the change. Well, they feel the same way. If you ever discuss this matter with that another person you most likely will hear them saying exactly the same thing “if she would just say it nicely and in polite way, I would have no problem paying more attention to it” or “I would do whatever I can to make sure I finish my food before responding to a conversation”. Or “Sure, I will take my gum out of if she would ask instead of yelling at my calling me names”.
That’s our ego. It runs our lives. It keeps us away from acting up on changes we want to see in ourselves, others and our lives.
Notice how strong it is. Even with the awareness and full understanding of how much better and happier your life can be if this change accrues it is still hard to take the first step.
That’s how strong our ego is. Acknowledge its presence, but do not let it run your life. Take control and make the first move. Even if it feels hard. Even if it is scary. You will be so pleased with the results. Give it a shot.
Imagine that another person’s ego is just as strong. In reality it is not a conflict between two people. It is a conflict between two egos.
Another person does not react negatively on you asking them to stop making a curtain noise. He or she react on how you ask them to stop it. To be exact – they react on how you tell them to stop making a noise. Because most of the time it comes out as a blame, attack, negative, harsh and rude. Period.
I know that every time I have experienced pain from my Misophonia attacks the responses were rude.
My thoughts were negative and blameful for long hours and days after trigger situation has ended.
It is only after I took full responsibility on how I react, respond, think and go about it everything has changed for me. I still have people in my life who do not even notice the difference in me because they know me for so long as someone who is rude to one who eats with moths open. I still have people in my life who take Misophonia explanation very personally, they do not hear the facts at all. I still have people in my life who do not change their ways in my presence, even though they know about Misophonia and how it affects me. But is it very small amount of people. Very small amount of people.
I am pleased to say that majority of people I am in contact respond in a gentle and caring way now. Now. After I’ve took 100% responsibility of my reactions and responses. After I’ve changed my ways. After I’ve changed my thoughts. After I have changed my mindset.
I was challenged this week to look at any situation or relationship I currently have in my life where I could have make a difference or change to the better, or to take a first step even though another person is at fault or should take first step in my opinion
This is hot staff!
I love really tough challenges like this!!!! .... Actually NOT ... I hate them really hate them. Just like everybody else I feel uncomfortable. I feel resistance. I don’t want to do them! I’m scared.
As soon as this challenge has been announced my mind start “working on protecting myself”.
Have you noticed how powerful your mind at “protecting you” every single time you think of doing something uncomfortable even though you know it is good for you? It’s insane! Within seconds the mind will talk you out of doing something you knew would be a good thing to do just few seconds ago!
My mind is no different. It does the same thing!
I could have list all the situations in which I have made the first step in the past. I could have list all the relationships in which I was making the difference ... or so many things I have done to make other feel better.... or solve problems that were not even mine ... or paid off bills, wants and wishes that were not mine.
Yes, I could have done that and call it a day!
But the reality is it would not fulfill the purpose of the challenge I was doing it this week. And the reason I have committed to the challenges is to grow. To get myself out of my comfort zone. To get better. Better than I was yesterday. To improve my own life. To improve my relationships. To leave the mediocre and average mindset behind. To create the best life I’m capable of creating! This is why i do those challenges. Even though I hate them. I’m afraid of them. I’m not a fan of them at all.
We often get trapped in our past accomplishments and allow our ego to keep us stuck in our current situation, because we have done so much in the past and truly feel that another person should make the move.
And it does not mean you have to keep doing same thing you have always been doing. And it does not mean you should not have boundaries.
Sometimes it is maybe a simple fact of letting someone know how you feel. Sometimes it is seeking for help outside of relationship to learn how to accept it the way it is. Not to pretend. But really learn how to accept it.
I have a situation where I have stated how I feel and it did not make the difference I was hoping it would make. I have also pretended for a long time that it is OK and I am OK with it. This did not work either as I just end up piling up my feelings inside. I have also made steps into accepting the situation and people the way it is, but to be honest - I have not accepted it yet. I still wish the situation to be different. And this thinking is cause us pain. When we do not accept the situation and do not make the step to make it better, when we silently waiting for it to change, hoping and wishing - all we do is waiting our precious life and causing ourselves pain.
All it does is poisoning my life, my thinking, my mood, my everything. Because I know somewhere deep down I still want for situation to be different.
So, I have decided to be very real with myself and face it.
I have accepted that damn challenge and will take a move whatever it takes I will work on myself until I learn how to accept it.