CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE

There times in everyone’s life when we feel like we can’t take it anymore, when we feel like giving up. Life is not always a sunshine and rainbows. Often life is very stormy. Overwhelming. Knocks you down. Defeats you. At least it feels like this.
You feel so drained, tiered and empty. You feel no energy. You may feel like everything you do is pointless and helpless. Maybe you feel like you are stock and see no way out.
I am no different and had plenty of these moments too.  

Habitually I would stop and do nothing for a while. Then I would start blaming myself for wasted time and inability to stay focus. This would follow by blaming myself for failing, for breaking my own word to myself, for being inconsistent.

It has been a long journey before I realized that this is habitual pattern, developed over time, and subconsciously selected by me every single time it is time for me to expend.
 These are the moments when I need to push myself through, when I need to keep going no matter what. These are the moments of breakthrough.
The hardest part is to be finally aware of it, to realize it, to understand it, but keep watching myself choosing the old negative, helpless and victim pattern over and over again. 
I just could not pull it off and find strength to keep going. I would habitually stop, get distracted with other things or withdraw from all together.
At times I was so hard on myself I would blame myself for not overcoming it now and creating more of it in the future. I know that this situation would keep coming back over and over again, because I keep asking for breakthrough, growth and changes. I knew what I was doing, but felt helpless.  

I am working on breaking this pattern now. A month ago I would stay silent. I would not say anything to anyone. I would not reach out for help, I would not complain, I would not acknowledge even to myself that I need help, that I am trapped in my old patterns, can’t get out and it is getting worse.
 
This is not how I want to continue. I want to change, I want to break this pattern, I want to grow, and I want to keep going even when I don’t feel like taking next step. This is what I have read in all the books I have read, heard in all the podcasts and videos, seminars and workshops. It is not something new to me. I have heard it from every successful person I have ever came across.
 
I just could not figure out why knowing is not enough for me and why I am not able to stay focused on my goals.
One of my friends mentioned that getting an accountability partner, who would keep me accountable, could be the deal breaker and would help me break my old pattern and develop a new one. I agreed. I know it works because I was able to reach my fitness goals earlier this year and having a coach and supporting team helped a lot and made the difference.  
I have asked her to be my accountability partner.  I got an amazing one. Not the one how would feel for me and would comfort me with “It’s OK, I know it’s hard, I understand”. Or would only have yes or no way, focused on results no exceptions. I got the one who feels it when and what is appropriate to say. And even though 1 out of 100 times she would comfort me, other 99 times she would get me going without feeling like doing it. And this is the key ingredient for growth.
 This last Sunday I was telling her how so much was going on and I was not in a place of getting things done. I just wanted to take time off and go to bed. She said “I know you don’t feel like doing it. Just get it done!”

That’s all. That’s all she said and that was enough for me. Something happened and I have developed strength out of nowhere to keep going. Strength that I did not have just a min ago.
Our minds are so powerful. We are powerful. And same way we can develop the control of our emotions. The only way to get better and take control over your emotions is to do it even when you don’t feel like doing it anymore. Even when you think you can’t. Even when you feel like you are failing. 

You have to learn to control how you express your emotions every single day. This is the only way to get better and improve your life with Misophonia. But it is so much harder to do it alone. Find an accountability partner. It can be friend or a family member. Someone who wants to help you.