I was challenged this week to look at any situation or relationship I currently have in my life where I could have make a difference or change to the better, or to take a first step even though another person is at fault or should take first step in my opinion
This is hot staff!
I love really tough challenges like this!!!! .... Actually NOT ... I hate them really hate them. Just like everybody else I feel uncomfortable. I feel resistance. I don’t want to do them! I’m scared.
As soon as this challenge has been announced my mind start “working on protecting myself”.
Have you noticed how powerful your mind at “protecting you” every single time you think of doing something uncomfortable even though you know it is good for you? It’s insane! Within seconds the mind will talk you out of doing something you knew would be a good thing to do just few seconds ago!
My mind is no different. It does the same thing!
I could have list all the situations in which I have made the first step in the past. I could have list all the relationships in which I was making the difference ... or so many things I have done to make other feel better.... or solve problems that were not even mine ... or paid off bills, wants and wishes that were not mine.
Yes, I could have done that and call it a day!
But the reality is it would not fulfill the purpose of the challenge I was doing it this week. And the reason I have committed to the challenges is to grow. To get myself out of my comfort zone. To get better. Better than I was yesterday. To improve my own life. To improve my relationships. To leave the mediocre and average mindset behind. To create the best life I’m capable of creating! This is why i do those challenges. Even though I hate them. I’m afraid of them. I’m not a fan of them at all.
We often get trapped in our past accomplishments and allow our ego to keep us stuck in our current situation, because we have done so much in the past and truly feel that another person should make the move.
And it does not mean you have to keep doing same thing you have always been doing. And it does not mean you should not have boundaries.
Sometimes it is maybe a simple fact of letting someone know how you feel. Sometimes it is seeking for help outside of relationship to learn how to accept it the way it is. Not to pretend. But really learn how to accept it.
I have a situation where I have stated how I feel and it did not make the difference I was hoping it would make. I have also pretended for a long time that it is OK and I am OK with it. This did not work either as I just end up piling up my feelings inside. I have also made steps into accepting the situation and people the way it is, but to be honest - I have not accepted it yet. I still wish the situation to be different. And this thinking is cause us pain. When we do not accept the situation and do not make the step to make it better, when we silently waiting for it to change, hoping and wishing - all we do is waiting our precious life and causing ourselves pain.
All it does is poisoning my life, my thinking, my mood, my everything. Because I know somewhere deep down I still want for situation to be different.
So, I have decided to be very real with myself and face it.
I have accepted that damn challenge and will take a move whatever it takes I will work on myself until I learn how to accept it.
I have placed a sticker “NO GUM” in my car
Today I want to bring up attention to self-care and self-love. And even though I am an advocate for working on myself, my reactions to triggers and my mindset - i m also standing up for self-love, self-care and self-respect in the process.
I believe into taking 100% responsibility on how I react when I hear someone chewing a gum or talking to me with their mouth full. I am committed to overcome these triggers one day and I do believe that it is possible. Just like it was possible with some other triggers that I worked on and got to the point of being able to tolerate them without Misophonia attacks.
However, in the process of me working on it I do ask my friends and anyone I am in contact with in my car not to chew gum or eat any kind of food.
ANY KIND. ANYONE. Adult or child. It does not matter.
There is NO FOOD ALLOWED in my car.
I do whatever it takes to be respectful and discuss it the very second I notice it about to happen. When I have someone’s children in the car I respectfully give them an option to eat their snack or candy now, right at that moment - I do let them know I will have to pull over and we all can take a snack break or they wait until we get home (or whatever distinction we are going to).
And you know what - children get it. Adults get it. People can be kind and respectful to you when you are kind and respectful to them. It is possible to create safe environment when things are not taken personally and expressed in a NON-BLAME way.
Sometimes pick up my girlfriend daughter from a dance class. At the end of the class teacher gives everyone a candy or a lollipop. Kids are very excited about these sweets. They are also excited to go home. However, when I explained to her that I do not allow gum, candies or any kind of food in the car anymore and it has nothing to do with her, it is my Misophonia trigger, it is my disorder and it is my trigger she responded in such a wise manner (some adults do not respond like that). I let her know I love her and that I understand that she might want to eat that candy right now. I respect it and will be happy to take a walk for a few minutes before we get into a car. And sometimes we do. It only takes a few minutes and she gets to eat her candy. It also gives us a quality time and an opportunity to walk and chat. To talk about the dance practice, what she likes and if there is something she doesn’t like. Just think about it – would we have a chance to talk about her feelings if we would go home right away? Most likely not that night.
While we walk I’m not trapped in a small closed space with the trigger and have an opportunity to practice to focus on other things. I find it beneficial to both of us.
Sometimes she says” it is absolutely fine and I can wait until we get home. It is better to eat candy after dinner anyways!” Yes, kids are smart like that. We just have to give them a chance to express themselves, chance to choose, and chance to live in a safe environment where they can state what they want and not to be afraid of the rules of the household.
She is only 8 years old and I do not think she understands what Misophonia is, but she does understand that no gum or candy in my car rule has nothing to do with her.
I recently had another friend on the passenger sit of my car and she did not even notice the sticker. I have asked her as gentle as I could to not chew gum in the car and show her the sticker. We did not have enough time to discuss it as our trip was not long enough and we were already in the middle of another conversation when we got into the car. I just chose to make it crazy/funny but important thing. And she politely got rid of her gum right away.
Does it work all the time with anyone? No ... unfortunately ... but for the most part it does work for me IN MY CAR.
And if I offer ride to anyone in my car - it is MY responsibility to make sure EVERYONE in this car is comfortable. Including me. ESPECIALLY ME
The only way to end the misophonia misery is to realize that it is never about them! It is about you and your reactions to noises that trigger you!
If you are sick - should you give medicine to someone else ? No, you should take the medicine.
If you are hungry - should you give food to someone else ? No, you should eat.
If you are thirsty - should you give water to someone else ? No, you should have some water.
If you are tired - should someone else take a rest ? No, you the one who needs to take some rest!
Same strategy applies for when you are in pain because of the trigger ! Trigger is an indicator that there is healing needed. You need to fix the situation. You need find ways ! You need to learn how to fix it ! It’s is you and only you who is responsibly for your life. You have power to make your life miserable the same way you have the power to get yourself out of misery.
There is no magic pill you can take to fix it. But there is a work you can do to “fix it and fix yourself”
By fixing yourself I mean - to improve , to grow, to become stronger , to become wise , to become kinder , to become better version of you. Better then you were yesterday. A person who does not blame others for making noises, but the person who committed to do whatever it takes to break out of miserable misophonia life and crate your own beautiful life regardless of misophonia !
Do you ever feel like no one around you really understands what it is like to have Misophonia?
I mean like even those few, who knows about Misophonia, who knows that it is a neurological disorder, who knows it hurts you, who knows that some noises they make trigger you.
Yes, me too. And it’s hard . I know .
Sometimes I feel like I’m all by myself and I have no support.
On other days I feel care, love and support. Sometimes people actually care enough and talk to me about Misophonia to understand it better .
I had days when someone made an effort to stop making a noise that triggered me, just to smooth the life a little bit for me.
I also had days when I put all my strength into kind comment about a trigger someone was making just to here immediate “No! I don’t make this noise!”
Yes, just like that. And I just stood there and was speechless. Yes, I did not know what to say and how to even react to such an obvious denial. But it did happen.
Yes, I have it all. And good days and bad days. People who care and who don’t . People who remember and who don’t . People who understand the pain and who don't. Places I can easily go to and places I avoid at all coast.
What helps me in situations like this is to remind myself - this too shall pass. The noise will stop. It will not continue forever. It will stop eventually. Even if I will need to excuse myself and walk away.
Keep it in mind - this too shall pass and you will be alright. Even the longest and the loudest bag of chips comes to an empty end eventually.
I just consciously choose to spend more time with people who are willing to damp all the chips on the plate and through away the chip’s bag for me instead of triggering me with multiple noises (crunch of a chip and crinkling of a bag). I do appreciate those who minimize the amount of triggers for me. I appreciate them a lot!